Jump In...the water's fiiiiiiine!

I am pale.
Really Pale. 
I may even go so far as to say I am clear.
So, as you may imagine- swimsuit season is not my favorite. (And i think it's fair to say that the majority of you can relate in one way or another.) 

For the last 5 years I have hid my thighs and viewed them as large, white, disgusting masses which ooze the embarrassment of cellulite & stretch marks. (Yummmmm) .....
 I had given up on them. Condemned them to darkness forever. 
      ....or at least until last Saturday.

I don't know what made me do it, what made me stop caring. And quite frankly I am not so sure it matters. What matters is: I did it! I removed the shorts and jumped in the water with confidence... And by golly it felt amazing! The world did not crumble. No one told me to go back into hiding- in fact I doubt anyone even noticed. But for me, the baring of one of my greatest bodily insecurities has given me a new sense of reality. I am what I am. I am where I am. Wishing to be someone or somewhere else is dishonoring. Give light to the moment- whatever that may be.


A friend of mine once said to me, "I am what I am.... and that is enough."

Right now I am a Woman working to expose her insecurities and better herself in hopes of providing a more wholesome life for both herself and her family. And there is no doubt about it- my cellulite & stretch mark thighs are advertising a whole new level of comfort in an imperfect perfection.  Come on in with me- the water is just fine!

Health & Heartbeats

I often blog in my shower.

I mean, I obviously don't hang out alternating soap and the space bar, but I think exactly what I wish to say. It is always eloquent, clear, and moving with a very distinct voice.
Then reality hits. The water stops, and I watch as all that clarity and courage circles down the drain.
This is the exact reason why I haven't written since taking the plunge into blog #1.  
Believe me I have tried.

A friend of mine said something to me recently that hit very close to my soul. "You don't talk. You don't like to say things because you're afraid that once you do they will become real. Well I have news for you- they are real whether you say them or not."

Sometimes we all need a reminder and I think him for mine. I want to help other men and women speak more openly and freely about their own body images and the issues that surround them. And in order for me to do that- I need to get started talking about mine. I imagine there will be times when it is slow going, times when it may not make any sense, and times when it may not be in any way inspirational, rather dark and empty. The goal is to keep it honest and share my journey- whatever that may be...

So, on that note.......


Tonight I started running. 

I know what you're thinking- "Who cares. No big deal."

Well, I assure you- for me it is a HUGE deal. My motto has always been: "I don't run unless something is chasing me." So to willingly run for enjoyment- its nothing short of pure madness.
I am starting on the couch to 5k plan because I am pretty sure I have zero endurance right now. In fact, before starting tonight I tried to quick-charge my phone battery so I could have a way to call home when I inevitably keeled over and died. I am happy to say that was a worry wasted. 

But more important than WHAT I am doing, is WHY I am doing it. After all, isn't that at the root of all we do?

So tonight, while blogging in the shower, I thought about why exactly I decided to start running. I was surprised to find that the answer wasn't just to lose weight.

Now, don't get me wrong. That is certainly in my mind. When I looked int he mirror today I thought "ok. I can handle this. Im not super fat. And I've had 2 kids... " but the real answer was more than that. It was, "to get out. to lose weight. to feel better. and to connect with me."

I'm actually surprised at the honestly I had with myself. I want to be skinnier.But more than that I would like to feel better. Lately I have been feeling old and frumpy. More like a big old blob than a mom constantly on the run. But I also discovered that I wanted to start running for me, to get in touch with myself and really listen. How often do we brush off our thoughts, tuck them away to the back of our minds giving them little to no respect?? It happens all to often. I have, especially recently, been putting the needs/wants/whims of everyone else ahead of mine. So- for me- 30 minutes, 3 times a week is a wonderful, beautiful start to listen to what my silence is saying. And even, just for a moment, value myself enough to not just brush it away. 

Your thoughts are waiting. Pull them out of the dark. Listen... what are they saying to you?