On Tuesday, February 21st 2012 I wrote a Facebook note and shared it with my family and friends as well as on my Photography page. It unveiled a secret that I had been holding on to for quite some time.
I wrote that note to help other women (and men) who may have been going through similar experiences.
This blog is a continuation of that note.
I suppose that would be a good place to start.
National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. -----> This.Is.My.Story.
We all have secrets. Some thrill us. Some haunt us. Some make us smile. Some shame us. And some really aren't as quiet as we think they are. But the one truth that carries through the core of all secrets is Silence.
This is My Story.
I started studying dance at the age of 2.5. I became a Dancer at the age of 8. That was the age I made the decision to study with a much more serious school in the hopes of making a successful career of it. It was also the age that I started comparing myself to other girls- other dancers. They were all so tiny. And though I was nowhere near fat (actually I am pretty sure I was just as tiny as they were) I started to feel inadequate.
I honestly can't tell you when I started witholding food, but I was young. I do know that it started with guilt and ignorance. I had no concept of what was healthy and what wasn't. And honestly, I had no desire to learn. I just wanted to make sure I was super skinny. I remember standing in front of the mirror arching my shoulders slightly forward so that my clavicals would stick out further. I wanted my skin to be sunken in and my bones to be seen. To me, that was beautiful.
My unhealthy relationship with my both food and my body was something that I hid pretty well. I ate only when in front of my family because deep down I was ashamed and I didn't want to deal with the lectures. Occasionally the pain of hunger would get so bad I would have to give in. For situations like that I carried saltines with me. If I only ate one or two it would take the pain away and I could still lose weight.
When I was 14 I injured my knee while rehearsing. I was heartbroken. The healing process was long and although eventually my doctor deemed me fit to dance, my instructor deemed me unfit to be a serious dancer. No, he never did say those words- but to my teenage self it certainly felt that way. I had gained a little weight from not being able to exercise (realistically, I was probably a healthy weight but there was no way I wanted that.) and in every class my instructor would point out that my muscles weren't tight enough, which in the dance world is a huge deal- especially to me.
My insecurities increased even more, which meant my desire to be skinny also increased and intensified. More hiding. More Hunger. More control. More obsession.
Finally, there was a change. My best friend convinced me to audition for a summer theatre group. Something to do just for fun. I truly believe that in a way, that group ended up saving me.
The director had an incredible ability to see things in his students that they may not be able see themselves. He took a group of kids who all had their own battles and taught them how to create something powerful. It was an environment that was challenging but filled with positive energy and encouragement. And boy did I love that world.
Once summer ended I continued taking classes. I was growing more and more confident in myself and slowly more comfortable with my body. Now, I am not saying that I still didn't withold food- I did. Changes like that don't happen overnight. But I was happier.
I wish I could say to you that I was "cured." I wasn't. But I was given something I hadn't had in a long time: confidence in myself. And because of that I was, with a lot of time and a lot of hard work, able to build a much healthier relationship with my body and my food.
Today I am 27 years old and a mother of 2 beautiful children. There are still many days that I look at myself and feel that gut-wrenching desire to be skinnier or the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and uncertainty. There are still moments that I touch my clavicals and think about how I wish they were more prominent, or my shoulder blades stuck out further, or I was just all around prettier. There are still times when the thought of not eating at all is so overwhelmingly appealing to me. But I fight it. I fight harder than I have ever fought before. Because there is nothing scarier to me than the thought of my children going through that. They NEED to know without a shadow of doubt in their minds that they are beautiful. They NEED to be comfortable in their own skin. And deep down I know that it starts with me.
So today I choose to break the silence.
-Christy Lynn Jerome DeLong-
February 21st, 2012
In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. 2012.Share Your Story.
